A broken friendship equals a hurtful dump.
I wrote this in August when I was heartbroken.
I have a naive and an unrealistic mindset on friendship
I think of myself as a very perfectly imperfect individual. I am flawed in so many ways and I’ve been wired to seek love and desire friendship in an unrealistic way.
How do I see my life?
As an individual, I believe that I am a beautiful tree planted by the water side that blooms every season non stop because I never lack (Jesus said that) so in my opinion all my branches are important to my tree because they make me whole and complete.
My branches represent each aspect of my life, my relationships with God, Money, family, society, culture, fashion, people, friends and everything else that I am interested in that makes me whole.
Due to my imperfections, I believe that in different phases of my life, I neglect a lot of these branches and focus mainly on some. Eg making money, finding love in the wrong places which sometimes happens when I am lonely, sad and feel any form of slight depression.
In neglecting these other things I find fulfillments in, they begin to seem really invalid because I don’t want to put my energy into them, I have other “important” things to focus on.
However, Whether we notice it or not, these branches of things that give us fulfilment either no longer produce fruit or when they do, they wither away because we refuse to nurture them like we should.
When I look at my life, I recognize that I value all these branches in my life. Everything that makes me whole has to be attended to equally. I like when I find love and it’s genuine. I’d like to be in it and compromise and make it work at that moment because I want that aspect of my life to grow and bear fruit. It feels like I planted a seed and I am gradually nurturing it and watching it germinate which is fulfilling to me. Even in friendships. I believe that once I find something valuable I keep it, I stay, I forgive, I understand and I watch it grow and if it doesn’t work it doesn’t but that makes me hurt a lot.
I think I’ll agree that I don’t like when people tell me things like “I don’t have time for all of that at the moment”. Or “I don’t have energy for all these friendship things right now”. It makes me feel undervalued. Like me who put in my emotions and work and was willing to lower my guts for another human being doesn’t have good priorities in life right? It makes me feel Like I wasn’t placed in the same ranking as I placed the person. It makes me feel like I have unrealistic expectations.
But I guess people are in different phases of their life where friendships and relationships aren’t just their thing and because I choose to embrace all the aspects of my life and place high value in them, doesn’t mean that others have to see life the same way or have the same priorities as me.
However, It’s easy to give up on friendships if you never really valued it in the first place. Since I have come to the understanding that people prioritise different things at different phases of their life, I have chosen to move on. To focus on my own journey of prioritising all the different aspects that make me whole at every phase of my life. Love of any kind. If it seems healthy, I’ll prioritise it, I’ll nurture it like a seed till it grows. I’ll never allow the inefficiencies of life take away the experience of hurt, love, memories and the lessons that comes with it because these are what I find highly valuable. This is what gives me fulfilment.
I forgive myself for loving deeply. I forgive myself for putting too much value in people who didn’t even see the value in what I offered. I forgive myself for all the “I love yous” that came out to the wrong people. I forgive myself for crying at the slightest hurt. I forgive myself for making an effort and believing it would be reciprocated.
I forgive myself for having expectations to receive love like the way I gave it. I forgive myself for hurting so deeply because of broken relationships. I forgive myself for wallowing in regrets. I forgive myself for being sweet and naive.
I am willing to try again. To kiss the next person that comes into my life when I feel like it. To tell them how valuable they are because they are.
To open my heart up for someone I can give love authentically and who is willing to receive it.
To more I love you even when it feels unreal from the other end. To more shots and raised glasses
To forgive and sanity. I am willing to allow that seed to be planted again and nurtured effortlessly until it blooms enough to become a shade for someone else. I am willing no matter what to allow each and every part of me to germinate.
Xoxo Unicorns
