Bye November
November took a very funny turn.
I can’t really trace what occurred from the beginning of the month but I know unlike everyone I went to NYSC camp with, I hadn’t gotten a place to work.
Was it devastating? I can’t really say if it was or not. I always thought I had things figured out even if I was just putting the pieces together.
While I was trying to figure out my NYSC duties, my mental health was really dwindling. I couldn’t hear the positive side of me anymore. It felt like my spirit was dying. I’d be walking and not notice my environment because I was thinking a lot. About my life, how I felt stuck and how I had so many personal issues I needed to work on but couldn’t afford to give myself the opportunity to. I got high a-lot, I wanted to just enjoy the toxicity that existed in my life. It was worth every strain.
I couldn’t speak to anyone about it honestly. There was literally no one who cared enough to pay attention to my problems like I’d want them to so I prayed. I prayed and I cried because I was done and exhausted and this time I didn’t care and that was exactly what I told God.
As the month gradually passed by with no hope of any drastic change happening in my life, I started to construct models on how I’ll cope with my life till I could figure it out. Models that were surrounded around getting high. Let’s not even talk about how I was for the first time in my life suicidal. I am not even a suicidal person. Prior to November 2023, I had never ever, even in my worst situations thought about suicide but all of a sudden I had a lingering whispering thought to you know, let’s not say it. I was just tired of life.
Events happened and the almighty drastic change happened. It felt like a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders. I felt free, my spirit came to life. I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t care, I just knew I was going to be fine. No clue how.
Not that I am totally fine now, not that I have any fucking idea what is next for me, but I am fine. I am fine because I can breathe properly now. My shoulders are standing well like they should. I feel pretty like I should. I feel safer, I feel a lot of things and the most beautiful feeling is I am happy. For the first time in my life I feel happiness. I can dance freely now which is important to me. Movement is important.
November was a lot but it was good to me, November was a blessing. I am not scared of what’s to come because I know everything works for my Good, everything would fall in place.
I learnt a lot this month, I learnt that people tend to push their ideas on people when they really do not understand the circumstances that they face. I have been one of those people this year to Someone I really cared about. I guess we’ve all lived through phases in our lives and honestly it makes more sense to me now. I was dealing with a lot at that point. We all give advice based on how we are dealing with life, neglecting whether it fits into the format of the person’s life or not.
The kind of stupid advice I heard this month end, let’s not even go into it. They weren’t even aligning.
I learned that nobody really understands what you go through as much as you do. Regardless of how much you explain it to them. Because of this knowledge, I prefer to be a listener.
My take away from November is that God lives and he listens. God is kind and he listens. Everything we go through is a preparation for something bigger. My feelings and my reasons to try and fail are valid.
Life happens to and for us. Always have the mindset that anything is possible and life is unpredictable. Always pray before you act. You might have a wonderful plan but God has a wiser way of achieving it and most importantly live, love, cry, laugh, be a fool, be wise, take risk, just fuck shit up 😂 anyways what I am saying is YOUR LIFE IS YOURS AND GODS!
I am grateful.
Xoxo, Unicorns.
