MY UNSOLICITED DAIRY EXPOSURE.

I've always had the ability to rant when I have an issue going on and then find a solution to my problem at the end of the rant.

I felt like I had it all together, with all the past experiences I have had, which has only left big sores in my life. I felt like even if I had all these things happen to me in the past year, I still had my life together because I had taken responsibility for my actions and everything would finally fall into place because I was deliberately going to ensure that everything does.

It's been three months now and I feel like my effort hasn't been enough. I've compared myself to other people to the extent that I have neglected the fact that I have been doing OK and shouldn't be desiring quick results. Life wasn't as soft as this a year ago, two years or from seven years ago. I forgot that at this time last year I was living in chaos with myself and with my family.

Trying to be deliberate has been good because it has helped me to be present everyday. The soars seem to be healing at times and when I hit it on something it hurts so much I start to cry. Daunting my healing, I'll begin to lose faith in everything, everything starts to feel like pain, as well as my whole life.

I have refused to speak to anyone about my personal experiences as much again. I made it a routine to always tell my close friends how fine and perfect life has been even if I just cried in the bathroom. It has been part of my healing. I realized how alone I am on my journey, not because I don't have loved ones but because I have to consistently and constantly make decisions that would determine my growth. Yes I have people around me correcting my day to day activities, I don't have personal advicer except for God and my mom sometimes even if I can hardly get to reach her.

I started thinking about my life from when I started secondary school to university now and I have realised how stupid I have been in every decision I have ever made. My major problem has always been, entitlement spirit, ungratefulness and lack of focus. Entitlement spirit in the sense that I always felt like the world owes me something, like i didn't beg to be here so I didn't deserve all that was happening to me. because to be honest there was nothing crazy or abnormal happening to me. I was so blinded by what I would have preferred life to be that I missed out on allot of things. I made the person that should have loved me the most an enemy. I always felt like I was not deserving of any treatment, I wanted each treatment in a certain way. Why couldn't he or she handle the situation better blah blah blah. In essence, I was a spoiled brat.

Ungratefulness can arrive when you feel entitled to everything we both own and don't. You become ungrateful not just to people around you but also to God. For as long as I can remember I never prayed or put in any work. I just assumed the universe Should be good to me. I hated my life and I wanted a change. I couldn't wait to be in university where I would disappear from all the chaos around me. The chaos that broke me down at that period.

I went to university feeling like such a free bird and to be honest like my mother would always say in Yoruba ara re len se. Anyways university was a runaway state for me and I hated holidays because I had to go home. I started dating this dumb arse human that apparently loved me or we loved each other, but at the end of the day it was just a big distraction in my life. I never defined what I wanted for my life, all I knew was I knew I would be great in life but how I would be great I didn't know or define. The difference between then and now is I am present enough to see my environment be assertive and do things deliberately. Anyways, my ungrateful attitude led me in focusing my energy on the wrong path, causing me so much pain that I referred to as pleasure. When you are so blinded by ungratefulness you start to settle for the bare minimum in life and you'll never align with your full potential, because you are desiring what you do not have or what you shouldn't have and isn't part of your story. At the end of the day it is what we see happening to others that we wish upon ourselves.

All this entitlement and ungrateful feelings caused me to be unfocused. Like I said earlier when you have all this characteristics you become blinded. I have never had focus, not in my school or in my life. I spent a lot of Time either day dreaming or sleeping my life away. 100 level is quite criticized but we forget that we made those memories the exact way they are.

Ranting about my issues on my dairy made me focus on me because for the first time I wasn't telling another person and I mostly see my dairy as God or a letter to God. But at the end of the day I didn't really keep my mouth closed as often as possible so it also affected me.

In all, this piece of writing is just to remind myself of the blindness I have been healed from, it took me years to get here and I am finally healed. However, all those days of blindness had caused some scars in my life and I had to realize that it would take time for them to heal, so I had to be patient. For me to become that strong courageous feminine God fearing woman I want to be and be a leader to lead by example I have to accept my process and tend to my scars carefully. Rome was not built in a day. As long as I have a vision and a goal I'll get there and whatever experience comes with it I'll embrace it and learn from it.

What I have also realized is, life throws you different kinds of experience to remind you of the same lessons. And until we make lemonade out of that lemon, we will continue to feel horrible about life. Learn that one lesson so you can move forward to another. The only way is to be present and analyze every experience you have.

PS: I am still working on my stuff.

I don’t know the essence of this picture but I just had to put my country’s flag out there.