The pressure of my visions

I don’t know how to take it easy on myself. I used to think I did but I guess it took an argument with my best friend and a conversation after to figure that out.

I just discovered that the person we desire to become in our lives can become a pressure in our present life.

I’ve always had really beautiful thoughts about the woman I would become in life, I never knew it was something that would eventually become a pressure in my present life.

When we desire something out of life, at least me, let me speak for myself. Whenever I desire something for myself. Let’s say I want to learn a skill so badly, it’s because I have already envisioned the final result of the outcome. I’ve envisioned myself skilled in that particular area and the benefits that eventually come with having that skill.

The issue now is that I am not there yet, which is very traumatising. I am still in the beginning phase. It probably starts with so much zeal. I am excited to learn and so I put in so much effort. I eventually get overwhelmed and tired and then I procrastinate. When I start to procrastinate, I begin to self sabotage because I’ve read in some book that the key to becoming who you are is consistency.

I guess what I am trying to explain now is that after speaking to my friend about not doing enough and thinking my life is a mess, he was able to calm me down and explain to me that it’s ok to not be as consistent as I’d like to be or I’ve envisioned myself as. I have to see that I do make an effort, even if it’s not as I desire to, I try and it’s ok to try, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

He made me understand that my journey is mine and me trying might not seem enough right now but I should continue to try until I begin to put in more effort and I start to enjoy what I do. The idea is to love the process, not to rush it. That’s how I become whole and that’s how I can learn more on the journey.

In my realisation, I finally understand that the woman I want to be is healed and complete. She has done a great deal of work in her life to be so complete in my head and right now it’s ok to say I am still struggling. I am not consistent like I’d want to be. I get irritated easily and it causes me to get angry at everything. I take things too seriously and I tend to feel too much overwhelming sadness.

I am not healed and I need to remember that. I guess that’s a good step, my new doze to take it easy on myself.